5. FUQs. Sorry. Busking FAQs

[Editor’s note: The opinions expressed in this article, or any Buskabout! post, are not those of the author, or anyone else, as published by our content partner (?) and do not represent the views of anyone, living or dead, Acoustic or Electric, Live or Backing tape.] 

 

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A quick respite from our IBTs (Intensive Busking Trainings) for a quick look at some of the questions that buskers are commonly asked when playing, and some suggestions / examples of appropriate responses: 

 

How much do you earn? 

Fuck you 

 

Do you make enough to survive? 

Yes. Now fuck off 

 

Do you do gigs in pubs and clubs? 

I don’t know 

 

Do you play here all the time? 

No. It’s complicated 

 

How much is a licence? 

It’s very complicated 

 

How long have you been playing? 

About two weeks. It’s surprisingly easy 

 

What song is your best earner? 

The one I was playing when you walked up and started talking at me 

 

Can I sing? 

I’ve no idea. And I don’t really care 

 

I mean can I sing into your microphone? 

Sure. Just apply online, pass the audition, get a licence, become a very close friend of mine, go and sign in upstairs, get a visitor’s pass, pop back down and I’ll let you join in for one chorus. Now fuck off 

 

Can I have a go on your guitar? 

Only if I can punch you repeatedly in the neck 

 

Can you play Wonderwall? 

Wonderball? Never heard of it 

 

If you play music all day, what do you do to chillax? 

*growl*snarl*grrrrrrrrrrrr* Haven’t you got somewhere to go? 

 

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Of course, we are always aiming to be as pleasant, amiable and helpful as possible at all times, but when a member of the public interrupts you mid-song, the following replies are acceptable: 

 

Please. How do I get out of here? 

(stare at the WAY OUT sign for approximately five seconds before replying) Nope, sorry. No idea 

 

Whar ees Piccadilly Seerkoos? 

Sorry, I don’t know. (works best at Piccadilly Circus) 

 

Whar ees Leester Square? 

I’m sorry, I don’t know. But we pronounce it Lye-Chester soiree. (works best at Leicester Square, obviously) 

 

How do I get a licence? 

Try Google 

 

Are you a failed musician? 

No. I’m a failed advertising salesman, a failed corporate researcher, a failed management consultant and a failed budgie tamer. Music is something I can do. Now fuck off 

 

Why don’t you get a proper job? 

A number of reasons, the main one being it would hugely increase my chances of having to interact with people like you 

 

What did you do before you were a busker? 

Online, freelance, crack-selling pole-dancer. You probably remember me. Bit chubby. Newcastle shirt… 

 

Why are you doing this for a living? 

It pays better than my previous job 

 

Do you want a sip of my beer? 

Do you want a sniff of my armpit? 

 

Do you want a line of coke? 

(answer redacted by the editor) 

 

Would you be willing to travel out to Surbiton to play at my 40th birthday party next month? 

Absolutely, it would be a pleasure. Here’s my card, there’s my number and email. Check out my website and YouTube channel, in fact, Facebook me, yeah? Send me a friend request, drop me a line, leave me a message, I’ll get right back to you as soon as I possibly can. Try and think of some songs you’d like me to learn so I can organise my set according to what you like and let me know whether you’d prefer red or white, so I can bring you a small birthday gift x 

 

But seriously, how much do you earn? 

No, but seriously, Fuck Off! 

 

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Anyhoo, hope this has answered some of those questions. We love questions. 

 

Do please join me next time for more top tips on being an underground rock star, in the next issue of: 

 

Buskabout! – The Busker’s guide to Busking! 

 

And remember – Love all the people, All of the time x