3. Part… erm… Whatever

Before we progress to the quintessential tuition, let’s just take a quick look at a subtle but important division that will greatly affect how you progress: 

Buskers generally fall into one of two categories; two families; two species, if you like: Acoustics and Electrics. There is some occasional cross-breeding but it’s rare, as firstly: “Acoustics” think that babies are made by touching tongues. And secondly: can you imagine? The offspring would turn out like retarded chimpanzees. 

The acoustic collective is a smaller, way more primitive tribe, with fewer demands or desires, mainly because of their embarrassing stupidity. They don’t recognise any music written after 1976. Or before 1962. 

It is possible that you’ll have to start out as an Acoustic, you’ll have to interact with them, you’ll have to pretend, but you’ll soon want to get away from those cretinous morons and their savage lack of syncopation. 

They tend to look like normal people, more or less, but closer inspection reveals smoother earlobes, thicker fingers, hairy palms, coarse knuckles and a disturbing look in their eyes that suggests they’re trying to emit acoustic-death-rays. Doesn’t work, obviously. But I guess it keeps them occupied. 

They tend to wear brown. I think they may be colour blind. They’re certainly tone deaf. 

They speak quite convincingly, but you’ll soon notice that their vocabulary is undoubtedly less than a hundred words, often half that, and usually monosyllabic. The lyrics they sing are just noises learnt parrot-fashion, they don’t actually have a clue what they’re singing about. All of the songs they play use three chords, even if the original has more: Stairway to Heaven – A, D and E; Bohemian Rhapsody – A, D and E; Beethoven’s fifth – A, D and E. You get the picture. It’s just the way they play ‘em. 

Their diet tends to include, well, anything. Anything that’s put in front of them when it’s come out of the ‘magi-box that go bleep-bleep’ and burns their tongue. Not that they really notice. If you intend to feed one of them out in the open, don’t get too close. Don’t wait til they finish the song. Chuck it in their case. And stand back. Or they’ll have your arm off. They do have a particular taste for leaves (deciduous or evergreen, doesn’t matter), so it’s a good idea to keep some holly leaves on your person, as these can be used as food, toy and currency, and they find the prickliness distracting. 

They think electric music is witchcraft and the name of their devil is JimmMarrschaal. 

They smell of vinyl, but their DNA is closer to that of an aubergine. 

They tend to like Ed Sheeran, ffs. 

And don’t get me started on their time-keeping. Watches just hypnotise them. Tossers. 

 

Anyway, have a break, have a coffee, have a line, whatever’s your thing. But do come join me soon to hear what I have to say about the Electrics. Wankers. 

Only in the next edition of: 

 

Buskabout! The Busker’s Guide to Busking!